Adapting

We have four kids from three pregnancies, which was a real bargain. Sometimes, I’m asked for parenting advice. Usually, I share the same story.

Child one: When a pacifier dropped to the ground, it was bagged and brought home to be boiled and sterilized.

Child two: When a pacifier dropped to the ground, it was wiped with an alcohol wipe and then a wet wipe.

Children three/four: Once a pacifier dropped to the ground, my wife picked it up to inspect it. It looked clean, so she wiped on her sleeve and went to return to the kid’s mouth. She was interrogated, “Are you sure that’s clean?!?” Without hesitation, she popped it in her mouth, captured all remaining germs, then gave it to the baby.

The peak of my knowledge about the proper way to raise kids existed right until our first kid. I don’t believe there was a specific moment. My expertise faded over a period of time. Maybe not faded so much as tumbled down stairs.

The first few diaper changes are a weird, inhuman substance. It was not so bad. Then something terrible happens with a baby’s insides, and they generate a horrific situation. And it is your sole responsibility to clean it up.

Mike Tyson famously said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Well, I had plans—plans to raise my children in a specific way. I held my child up high. He enjoyed it. He was smiling. I smiled back, a joyous open-mouth smile. His smile was a warning. He puked. He puked right into my mouth. My plans had not accounted for this event.

Throughout the years, wildly unexpected things continued to happen—things for which I had no plan. I clearly see how uniquely different each person and their needs are. I believe that my way of doing things is the best. Of course, it is; it is the way I always do it. As parents of a lot, we’ve adjusted to what is important and what isn’t—when to fight and when to fold.

I sometimes get caught up in winning the conversation and forget what I am trying to accomplish. It is now a mantra at home, “What do we want to accomplish here?” The question is followed by a moment of honesty. Are my actions helping me to accomplish that goal? If your plans don’t include a smiling child puking into your mouth, be aware that life will surprise you along the way.

Do I make room for the unique and complex differences of those around me? Will I adapt to the inevitable unexpected? Is my desired outcome or getting there my way more important?

Be curious, be kind, be whole, do good things.