Claus

I was Santa Claus. As a fifth grader, our winter play featured The Claus family, and I was very excited to play a leading role. Not only did I get lots of stage time, but I was married to a girl that I maybe kinda-sorta thought was maybe kinda cute.

I figured my incredible acting chops landed this breakout role. Probably unrelated, but my parents owned a costume store. I had access to a very good-looking Santa costume at no cost to the school.

I struggle to memorize things. So, I cut the script into strips and pasted all of my lines together. I read and re-read until I absorbed every line.

We rehearsed larger portions of the play closer to our debut. I struggled. I knew my lines very well, but I struggled to remember where they went. I might perfectly recite my line, but I didn’t always have it in the right place.

I was supposed to have a conversation with dear Mrs. Clause. Instead, I blurted my line, then tried to remember what was next and waited for her to stop talking so I could issue my next line.

When I enter autopilot, I unintentionally have these types of performative conversations with people. The shorter interactions feel so automatic, maybe because of the amount of rehearsing I’ve done. “How are you doing?” “Good, you?” “Good.” In longer interactions, I catch myself thinking of what I want to say next. Usually, I just barely hear their contribution. I sit and wait for them to stop talking so I can issue my next line.

When I ask a question, do I do so with authentic intention? Am I truly listening to what is being said or just waiting for a pause so I can deliver my scripted next line? Can I drop the performance of the interaction and be genuinely present for it?

Be curious, be kind, be whole, do good things.