Heart

Teenage boys are terrible at picking good gifts for the object of their affection. At least I want to believe it is universal. I was certainly terrible at it.

I bought, or more likely my mom paid for, a heart-shaped necklace. I was very excited to give it to my friend. I think there was a card. I know there was no semblance of gift wrapping. This “gold” heart hung from a gold chain. The chain was thin enough that I could split dental floss with it.

I rode my bike to her house. The necklace was ready to express what I was too shy or embarrassed to say. Full of excitement and nerves, I handed her the jewelry box, damp from my sweaty palms. She smiled and took it from me. She gave me a polite thank you and looked at the necklace. She smiled a bit and gave me another “thank you,” which was the best she could muster.

She didn’t put it on. She probably never put it on. Her excitement was nowhere near mine. My nerves faded, and my excitement got edged out by bummed. Little by little, I shifted further from bummed to hurt to fully sad. I was sure she didn’t care about it, and it crushed me.

I truly don’t know what she thought. What I do know is that I put a whole lot of emotion and expectation on that gift. I didn’t really give her that gift. I wanted something in return for that necklace. Maybe I wanted an elated hug, or high excitement, or an “OMG! It’s my new favorite necklace.” I wasn’t giving a gift, I was making a trade. A trade that she was unaware of.

Many years later, my philosophy-nerd friend taught me the word "givenness." One definition of givenness gets at the idea of purity. Is it freely given or expecting something in return? When I hold the door for someone, am I holding it because I want to be kind or because I want them to say thank you? When I let someone in my lane that I don’t have to—is it because I am making their commute easier, or do I expect the small mirror wave?

When small acts of kindness aren’t responded to in the way I expect, I can let it ruin the entire experience. I slide from giving something, to pride in giving it, to mad that they didn’t react the way I wanted. When I give something fully, I should not expect an exchange. When I give something fully, the action itself can improve my mood. It can improve my day. That might be the only return I need.

Am I giving the gift for me or for them? Would I give something different if no one knew it was me? Am I generous, or do I just enjoy the feeling of being generous?

Be curious, be kind, be whole, do good things.