Uhm

I don’t love spiders. I really dislike snakes. I struggle with heights. I am not keen on air travel. Far above all of those, I absolutely loathe watching myself on video.

I was on stage at a work event. I didn’t know I was being recorded. I don’t think knowing would have made anything better. My name was called, and I went on stage. A firm mixture of anxious and excited. Went for a quick laugh. It got a good response. I was bringing someone else up for recognition. As they joined me, I stumbled over my words. To reset, I told another joke—mild response.

First, I stumbled over my words, then the tepid response. Now I was in my head. Mostly distracted, I tripped over my words again. Or as my dad would say, “My tongue got wrapped around my eye-tooth, and I couldn’t see what I was saying.” The rest went okay, ended on another laugh, and we headed off.

On my way back to my seat, I wasn’t sure if all the jokes had landed. I probably could have told them better. I probably should have written them. I was really well prepared and rehearsed on the recognition, but I hadn’t thought about the transitions. They felt clunky.

A couple of days later, I got a link to a video of the event in my email. I knew better than to click the link. It was terrible. I confirmed I had tripped on my words. Too many uhms and ahhs. The jokes had better reactions than I thought in the moment. However, I’d come up with several better ways to tell them.

I watched the people before and after me. They were truly great. They were smooth. A few hiccups, but nothing noteworthy. I focused a little closer. Theirs were actually very similar to mine. Their uhms and ahhs didn’t faze me, but mine did. Theirs vanished into the message. Mine felt like the highlighted sections of my portion. I didn’t even notice their stumbles in the room or the first watch of the video. My trip-ups felt like the only thing captured.

Sometimes I need to apply the golden rule: Treat others as I want to be treated. Sometimes I need to apply the inverse: Treat myself as kindly as I would treat others. I can keep high standards while having self-compassion.

Are my standards high or impossible? Am I as kind to myself as I am to you? Can I give myself the grace I extend to others?

Be curious, be kind, be whole, do good things.